Sarah says:
My day started with someone I know telling me that I am getting fatter again. Boo Hoo, I say and oh well. I will always go up and down on the scales. C'est la vie. But you know how that goes... you get such a comment and it gets you down a bit. I actually do think I look fatter today because I am wearing a turtle-neck shirt, which no-neck heads like me should never put on. I have a sore throat so I chose to be sensible and warm even if it means looking fatter! I ate a lot in the last few days. That much I'll admit. And I'll also add that it was good stuff so I don't care if it means an extra kilo or two. Sometimes you just have to say what the hell and live it up. The best thing about the comment this morning about my getting fatter was that I could use our tried-and-true-Face-The-Day-thanks-to-ASG joke and say with a straight face: "Are you calling me fat?!" Too bad I just made that part up. When someone really calls you fat, you forget that joke fast. In retrospect, I wish I had used it to defuse the painful moment. So suffice it to say I am not only having a bad-hair day but a fat-day as well. Yet still, surprisingly, I feel fine and happy on this sunny, windy day. I got to babysit YMA this morning as Heidi had to run out for a bit. I actually only got so see YMA when Heidi got home and YMA woke up - but in the meantime I read two Elle magazines and 1 Glamour magazine while I sat there on my fat ass drinking coffee (haha) and eating bon bons (hahahaha). No wonder Heidi is obsessing about cellulite and healthy skin and I get hurt by fat comments even though so many others keep telling me I look healthy and good after months of my looking tired and grey. It's the oldest story in the book: these glam rags are horrible for and to women!!! Why do we even bother reading them! I mean here's the thing - on the one hand, it's cool and nice and all to see all these new add campaigns that use fatter models and stuff - such as Dove ads and all. But these fatter more real-life models are surrounded by the skinny ones. Even us fatties reading these mags therefore look at these fatter models (not even really fat most of the time) and we even think they look out of place and much less pretty than the other real models! Sick, sick, sick. A trap I have tried to avoid my whole life but always fall into. With all that said (and said a thousand times before here and elsewhere), I feel fine about myself today even after such a fat comment and after reading those mags today. Why I feel fine, I have no idea. But I feel fine indeed and am reflecting on all this in a sort of tongue and fat-ass cheek sort of manner that may not come over on here.
As you can see, Heidi is looking pretty dang hairy there in her chair surrounded by all her vinyls. I wish I knew what to write here on behalf of her but I don't because we didn't talk much other than about Six Feet Under (which she's busy watching now as I lent her season 1) and about breastfeeding.
And before I forget, here's what I got out of my visit to the gynaecologist last night:
- As I am becoming 36 this year, I need to have my first mammography soon and every two years thereafter. I think this first one is actually free in Belgium as a way to get people to do it. I'm not sure about that though. Recently a study showed that Belgium has the highest rate of Breast Cancer in Europe. Again, I'm not sure I have got that right but the gist of it was that it may not be that there are more cases of breast cancer in Belgium proportionally than elsewhere but rather that there is a lot of early detection in this country they think so the numbers come out higher. I am happy to say that a big public awareness campaign is being launched here to promote breast-screening. You can read more about that campaign here. As someone very near and dear to me was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, my awareness has increased big time. I saw what she was going through first-hand and I know that the future always remains a bit scary for her. It's an awful disease and I am really glad therefore that I will have an early-detection breast-screening this month.
- Less important yet still noteworthy - the doctor said I would still be able to get pregnant and carry a baby to full-term with my lumbar prostheses. It might not be full-term because my daughter was born prematurely due to my having half of a normal size uterus, but point is, I could do it if I want to. Well, hear me now: I don't want another child. I really don't. Sometimes I think I do but in my heart I don't. At least not with this body of mine. It has been through way too much since the first few weeks of my pregnancy about 8 years ago and up until my back operation. All the trouble started then and there and it's been a rough 8 years to tell you the truth. I will not put myself through any of that again unless perhaps it were totally accidental and moral conflicts at the moment made me decide I'd have to go through with it. I can imagine adopting and I do think of it sometimes but I never get very far in the process. All I know is that I do feel I could give another child a warm home and a lot of love and something in me feels that I should. Something in me really wants to because I feel lucky in life and feel like I have a lot and can and should share that. I don't know if selfishness stops me or fear or if it has been my pain and health up until now. I really don't know. Every bit of pain I have had in the last 8 years and every consequence of that pain has been worth it because my daughter came into my life.The pain started then so yes, I can be quite negative about pregnancy and all that. I had a horrible experience. But it was 100% worth it no doubt at all! And just knowing that makes me have a percentage of wonder (for lack of a better word) about what it would be like to have another child to love that much. Who knows, maybe now that I am pain-free I will have a clearer head to think about this all with. Who knows...and a big we'll see.
And finally, found this interesting article about a new back surgery procedure to do spinal fusions in a much less invasive way than they have been done up until now. This looks promising and interests me because at some point in my life the lumbar prostheses will be worn out and I'll have to have a fusion for sure. I bought time by choosing for the lumbar prostheses in place of the fusion. It should last till my 60s (knock on wood) - but it is too soon to tell as there is a big lack of research on it. Anyway the kind of surgery described in this article gives me further hope.
Oh yeah - and I must add thanks to an email or two that I received that indeed "MARV" from my posts a few days ago is who you think he is! So yes, it's all very innocent and my husband knows all about him! Fooled ya!
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