Tuesday 30 January 2007: Sarah is out walking with her mum while little Yma is asleep and giving her mum some rest

Heidi says: My little girl is asleep (it's afternoon now) and I am glad. It is really good that she wants to do this as she really needs it! And I do too. I have been having a tough week. I will try to explain to you. It is bizarre. I am really happy to be a mum, Yma's mother. It makes me proud and complete. But the last week has been exhausting me so much that I had all these mixed feelings. This has nothing to do with how much love I feel for Yma. There is no doubt about how much I love her. But for me, as my own person, something went on in my head and I couldn't stop it anymore. I am still breastfeeding and I'm sure it has to do with that. I have always said that I wanted to breastfeed Yma and so I did and I am very proud of myself for doing this. I am giving my daughter the best, my best. And I don't want to stop, not yet. But since a week, I am losing my energy. It's gone. I wake up in the morning at 7, feed Yma, and go back to sleep, together with her. Then at around 10 I wake up and let her sleep another hour. At eleven she gets her second 'meal'. Then I wash Yma and let her play and hold her when she cries. From 2 pm on, I feel totally wasted and without energy. I feel like I lost myself. I don't find the courage to make myself beautiful, to dress nicely and to put make-up on. I miss my friends (Wout, Alexander and Katrijn) and want to do things with them, but when I try, it stresses me out because Yma is with me and she gets upset quite easily. I want to email Fej like we used to do, but I don't find the time or energy to keep it up. (I do miss you Fej!) I see Sarah quite often but it's also hard to do stuff together, as having a little baby doesn't allow you to do whatever you want. When we sit in a tearoom, and Yma starts to cry, I get totally stressed and can't really handle the situation. Then I can only pay attention to one person, and that is Yma, and nobody else can help me 'cause I am in my own world. I know I should learn to handle these situations without all the stress, but up till now, I just can't. I guess that is where my mum comes in. I remember her as a stressed out mother on lots of occasions, and now I understand why. You want the best for your child, and you would drop everything to make your child happy. My mum seemed to be able to live with that. But I can't. I need relief. Soon. I need exercise, cinema, a night out with Nico, to a restaurant or sauna or whatever, my friends to talk to... I need so much. And it's al so close. 'Cause within 2 months, I will be back at work, sharing my baby with different people who will take care of her while I work. I will have stopped breastfeeding and Yma will be eating of a spoon and drinking milk out of a bottle. And will look back at this period, and I will feel nostalgia. And I will think "that was one of the best periods in my life ever". By the way, I think my mum shouldn't have dropped everything for us. Maybe she would have been less stressed out if she would have had some time off from us little monsters... My poor mum...

Anyway, the thing is I am struggling with being a young mother and sometimes I even dream of my old life... Yep... There, I said it. Not that I want it back. But I remember how easy it was. And sometimes I want that easy part back. For one second.

Cause Yma stays. Forever! And that makes me happy! And now I'll get her out of her warm little bed. And cuddle her and give her thousand kisses! (I will get over this. I always do. I am strong, in my own way :)) )

Sarah says:

It's great to see you here Heidi and for you to let us into your head with such honesty.

I have nothing to add really other than I have a back ache that is pissing me off and making me nervous today. It started a few hours ago. It sucks. Other than that, today I got my eyebrows plucked. I took a walk around a bit. Now I will rest the night away. Yesterday I got my webcam working and tried it out with my buddy and frequent Face The Day Guest from afar, MS. You can see the result of our webcam chat in the photo below. Time for me to lie down. I feel off.