Thursday 28 May 2009: Sarah has a useless day... but is still loving the great escape of reading and is happily running through books!

Sarah says:
Ughhhh... One of those days where you could have just slept right through it and not have missed anything at all.... Useless. Where in all this nothingness does one find her self worth again? Yuck!

I have already read a few of the letters in the above book I am now going to start reading from the start. It's called Posterity and it is a collection of letters written my known Americans to their children. Musicians, politicians, you name it - their letters are in there. It was given to me long ago and I have only dabbled in it till now. I'll read it from front to back now. It's a good interlude between longer novels I have read and will read.

I just finished the collection of short stories above called Midnight All Day by Haif Kureishi. I had finished a book by him and thought I'd read on in his short story book. I'm not sure if that was a wise choice. Too many of the same topics and characters showing up in all the stories. I like his writing a lot now but think I need to space out reading his books because they do seem to cover a lot of the same stuff over and over again. There was this great quote in one of the stories in the book:

"From a certain point of view the world was ashes. You could also convert
it to dust by burning away all hope, appetite, desire. But to live was, in some
sense, to believe in future. You couldn’t keep returning to the same dirty
place." -H.K.

And then there is this even better quote from the series Deadwood that I just started watching and am totally loving:

"Some goddamn point a man's due to stop arguing with his-self and feeling twice the goddamn fool he knows he is 'cause he can't be something he tries to be every goddamn day without once getting to dinnertime and ****ing it up. I don't want to fight it anymore, understand me Charlie? And I don't want you pissing in my ear about it. Can you let me go to hell the way I want to?" - Wild B.H. from Deadwood

Wednesday 27 May 2009: Heidi and Sarah are getting out of hand!

Sarah says:

Good news sort of - I am starting to feel better finally though my stomach continues to hurt and my intestines to cramp but it is all good, all good - getting better! Heidi and I are half in prison and half out depending on the day like the glass being half full or empty - that can change from minute to minute... That's life I guess!

Tuesday 26 May 2009: Heidi's head is running around in circles as Sarah stays as still as she can to control her overworked insides!

Sarah says:
Oh to feel good and healthy again and to get some color back in my face... Oh when oh when oh when... It's taking a bit too long. Last night had to urgently get up at 3 am to run to bathroom. Was in pain till this morning. Today feel okay but stomach is starting to rumble again. Doctor says it can take till next week to feel 100%. I guess I feel about 40% right now whereas last week I felt 0% - so that is at least progress. I am eating well again so that is progress too. Pity the food exits my body so fast and in such a dramatic way! Less drama please!

Monday 25 May 2009: What are Heidi and Sarah looking for? Your guess is as good as theirs....

Sarah says:
You would think I have liver problems with how yellow I look. Heidi, do I look that yellow in real life? What is that? That's not normal! I want to feel normal again! Regular. I certainly want to feel REGULAR again!!!!!

As for the below Post Secret pick of the week - well, I hate taking medicine! I would try everything before taking medicine but with my current stomach problem, for example, I have no choice! The doctor said I have to get new pills and take them untiL I am better. I hate the idea! The gyno doctor said I can take the pill if I want my acne to go away and other hormonal things to get in order - but I don't want to take the pill. I never have and I just don't want to start unless I really have to. A good friend of mine said this to me the other day - she said that she was talking about me with another friend and saying that I was one peson who would probably never ever agree to take anti-depressants - even if I was way low down. She's probably right I hate to admit. I don't know why that is. I just can't do it even though I'd probably benefit from a happy pill sometimes as I can be quite dark and get stuck there. I don't know what makes me try to steer totally clear of all pills where possible. I think it is probably because I am a contol freak. Anyway - with all that said, I will run to the pharmacy this afternoon and get those pills for my intestines because I need something! Nature isn't working for me at this point!!! SKA won't work for me either I'm afraid!

Friday, Saturday and Sunday 22,23 and 24 May 2009: Sarah feels better then worse then better then worse....HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIM AND ERIKA!!!!

Sarah says:

That's me above on Sunday the 24th of May. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIKA!!!! In that photo I look alive. It was a moment I was feeling okay. I feel good until I eat and then the whole cramping up and having to run to the toilet process starts. Then I feel rotten for about an hour and then okay again. This stomach virus is the worst one I have ever had! I just called the doctor and she said it could take 14 days!!! So that means I have 7 more to go perhaps! I have to start a whole new box of pills meant to restore order in my digestive tract. I hope it works! It is so tiring to have to go to the toilet so much. At least the fever is gone! I also have to complain that though my face is thinner, I am probably one of the only people to have basically fasted for a whole week as nothing stays in and not to have lost any weight!!!! At least I could have shed a few pounds through this! But nope! Didin't happen. :-)
Heidi says: Guess what we did yesterday? It was nice to be behind the decks again! Those are my happiest moment, together with running! When I run, I feel free and worriless. I don't have a lot of that anymore in my life. Not at the moment anyway... Time that changes and I find my luck back. Maybe one thing i want to share with you that I kept in my little black book up till now: when I hear a blackbird sing, I get very very nostalgic and sad because it really makes me believe that things were better before. It makes me think of moments in the past, and I always believe I was happier on those moments. The strange thing is: I always think that when I hear a blackbird, and then a year later I am thinking of those moments and I believe that on those moments I was actually happier. How is that possible? How can I think one year that I was happier the year before and then a year later think the same of the year before? Do i believe that nostalgie makes me happy? Because in my situation, I don't think nostalgia makes me happy. It just makes me sad and long for things that never happened.

Sarah says: Above you can see me after dinner on Saturday the 23rd of May and below you can see me before dinner. Big difference as you can see! Eating is just not very enjoyable at the moment... HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIM!

What a silly face above? Nice flowers though. Such a pretty place we were at...

And there I am above in Nivelles in Belgium dreaming of eating again without such trouble! Again - it was a feeling fine moment above beceause I had already eaten breakfast and it was already quickly out of me....

And there above you can see me enjoying some sun on Friday the 22nd of May at the horse ranch we stayed at for the weekend with Tom's parents and his brother and brother's son. The place is called Haras de Baudemont and it's in Ittre, Belgium. It's the 2nd time we have been there and we just love the place. It's peaceful and pretty. I was happy I could go because I didn't think I would make it with how sick I was feeling. I still felt ill but was able to just sit at the pool or in bed and read and not do much. It was as good a place to feel ill as any! Even better because everyone else could have fun! We will surely return there sor a weekend each summer if possible!

Wednesday and Thursday 20 and 21 May 2009: Sarah has two horrid days of an awful flu and finally is starting to feel alive again!

Heidi says: I used my persistence today to get to a special gig of Madensuyu. I wanted to go so badly, but I forgot to get tickets. So today I heard that the gig was sold out. I tried to get on the guestlist but PJ said it was impossible because it was sold out. Then I posted messages on facebook to ask if anyone could help me. And when I realised that nobody could help me, I called the place when they were performing and put us on the waiting list. We went this evening and we waited a while. Then they called our name. We were in! It wasn't their best performance, but it was pretty damn good anyway! From now on, I have to use my persistence more to get what I want and need from life.

Sarah says:
That's me above today - Thursday the 21st of May. Granted - I still look sick and sweaty - at least I have some color back in my face, my eyes are open and I can crack a smile. The smile come from finally FEELING BETTER!!! Oh my lordy were these past days tough ones. It all started Monday night when I had a high fever and what I thought was just a 24 hour flu. I stupidly went to work Tuesday and that night felt bad but not as awful as I had Monday night. But Wednesday morning when I woke up - I swear - I have never felt so awful. I was freezing and shivering from it and feverish;. I had terrible cramps in my intestines. I couldn't eat anything yet I had to go to the bathroom all day long. I depleted all my energy. I went to the doctor, took pills to reduce the fever and pain but the fever stayed high until about 11 am today. Now I have a low fever and feel a bit shaky, energy-less and sweaty but at noon I ate soup and toast and that gave me a needed boost as I had nothing left in by body. I am so glad the worst of this is over. It was really bad!

That's me above early this morning I think or late last night. I don't know anymore. I think it was Wednesday the 20th. Sick as a dog but in one of my half-waking moments trying to get up and to be part of the living...

There above you can see me on Wednesday the 20th for sure -- feeling horrid and looking the part.

Below is another video from my daughter's open house at her school last Saturday. That's her 4th grade class performing a dance...

Tuesday 19 May 2009: Sarah feels sick and in a blur and Heidi is also in a haze...

Sarah says:
I was so sick last night. Up until 3 am shivering and then sweating! The fever then broke and I could get up to get a pain and fever reducer but today I still ache all over. I have no idea if it is just a bad flu or something or a gall attack perhaps. I have a lot of pain between my shoulder blades, which I have never had before. I know I have three gall stones and I know if I eat fatty food I get pain under my right lower rib so I avoid fatty food. I ate fatty food (with lots of milk and cheese in it) Sunday and again Monday (the leftovers) and then I had this horrid flu-like thing last night. It doesn't help that it is also exactly that time of the month. But something is very, very off. I really hope it isn't a gall bladder attack. That would suck. The only "cure" for gall problems is getting your gall bladder removed. I already avoid fatty foods. Today I can't eat because I feel sick but that is bad if it is a gall thing because when you fast, the gall tends to act up even worse! I hate feeling sick and I hate getting old! Please just be a bad flu and nothing else!

Heidi says: I discovered webcourses on the site of the VDAB. That is an instance that takes care of the unemployed and all kinds of eduction for unemployed and employed. To make myself feel more useful, I am taking a french course and some course about the strenght of your thoughts. It feels very good to learn again. I might do a six month course after summer to get myself back on my feet before searching for a new job. We'll see, you never know what comes upon your road...

Here's a video of Ayla's playback show from her school's open house day lats Saturday!

Saturday, Sunday and Monday 16,17 and 18 May 2009: "Heidi the hairdresser" cut Sarah and Ayla's hair!

That's me and Heidi above on Monday the 18th of May pretending we work at a Call Center just in case we don't find any other jobs! We are both looking for new work and both considering taking different classes in the meantime. Who knows what the future holds but if all else fails - we could always work at a Call Center, right?

By the way - as it is the 18th of May I just want to say that Peter De Wilde would have turned 37 today. He's on my mind. He died way too young. I miss him and think about him almost every day still. I still haven't been able to erase his last text message to me in my phone. I guess I will when I am ready or by accident. His photo still rests on out living room bar. I don't know when it feels right to put such photos away and all. Not yet I guess. Not yet...

What you see above is the great veggie lasagna that Tom made us Sunday as a belated Mother's Day treat! He's making a nice effort to learn how to cook so he can cook sometimes. It's such a treat to have him cook for us because I get to not cook for once and I get to try new things that I wouldn't necessarily make myself! I ate the rest Monday! Loved it!

That's Heidi and me above on Sunday the 17th after she cut my hair. I know - my hair looks just about the same as always - but that's how I like it. I'm trying to grow it longer and I'm hoping Heidi can trim it from time to time with just a little thinning and by this time next year I have long hair again! Mark my words!

There above is Heidi cutting Ayla's hair on Sunday the 17th. Ayla was very happy with the results and impressed by Heidi's cutting abilities. So was I!

The above photo is from Sunday the 17th when Heidi came over to cut my and Ayla's hair. I have no idea why the photo is sideways but no matter! You can see Heidi is good busy!

Above you can see me first thing Sunday morning at about 1 am just driving home from some friends' house. It was a good day! Saturday was the open door day and then we had a nice dinner at the house of some friends and then we watched a movie and hung out at the house of other friends, where Ayla slept over. It was a day full of people, which was nice! Good to be part of the living! Makes you feel alive.
Heidi says (saturday): IT IS MY MOTHERS BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! HOORAY HOORAY!!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah: There above on Saturday the 16th of May you can see me with a little ghost getting up to no good behind me! Isn't that a lovely photo hanging there of Ayla? This was really an AYLA Weekend! We went to her school's open door day on Saturday and watched her dance the day away! It was wonderful to see her so sure of herself up on stage. She's really growing up! Both Tom and I had tears in our eyes watching her perform. I'll post videos later of her 4th grade class performance and her playback show with her friends.

Friday 15 May 2009: Sarah faces the day and you and is glad it is weekend!

Sarah says:
I wish my face looked that skinny always! My daughter was telling me she got her dad's forehead and not mine. She was telling me she has a huge forehead and that she has to cover it with her hair to make it look smaller. Of course I think she looks wonderful with her hair totally pulled back because her eyes jump out and you just see her face so clearly. My hair is always in my face and I have a very good forehead - if I do say so myself ;-) so today I thought I'd show it for once! Heidi will trim my and Ayla's hair on Sunday!!! I'm very excited to see how it looks after! I love being a guinea-pig for such things.

Thursday 14 May 2009: Sarah is spending the evening with PJ Harvey and John Parish at the AB in Brussels!!!

Sarah says:
Always uplifting to see one of your "idols" perform live. This will be the 2nd time I have seen PJ Harvey but this time she'll be performing with John Parish. I hope it will be a great show and a great night! I can't wait to hop on the train to Brussels and finish my book during the ride, meet up with my husband at the concert, see a fab gig and then have a nice ride home...

Wednesday 13 May 2009: A crap day to be flushed down the toilet by Heidi and Sarah!

Sarah says:
Don't even ask!

Tuesday 12 May 2009 : Heidi and Sarah are Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day...

Sarah says:
Pink Floyd says it best at this point:

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the
way...."

Just started the above book: Oracle Night by Paul Auster.... Starts with these lines:

"I had been sick for a long time. When the day came for me to leave the
hospital, I barely knew how to walk anymore, could barely remember who I was
supposed to be. Make an effort, the doctor said, and in three or four months
you'll be back in the swing of things. I didn't believe him, but I followed his
advice anyway. They had given me up for dead, and now that I had confounded
their predictions and mysteriously failed to die, what choice did I have but to
live as though a future life were waiting for me?"

Just finished the above book with great title and okay content: How To Lose Friends and Alientate People by Toby Young... I recommend it to those interested in journalism, celebrity, Vanity Fair magazine and comparisons between life in London and life in New York... Ends with these nice lines:

"Some people are lucky enough to stumble across the right path straight away;
most of us only discover what the right one is by going down the wrong one
first..."

Sunday and Monday 10 and 11 May 2009: Sarah is smothered by the idea of being only a mother for the moment...

Sarah says:

Bored. Head-ache. Pounding brain today. Bad sleep again last night. Need to re-load and re-charge. I wish I had the ability to just plug myself into a charger sometimes!

Above and below are me yesterday - Sunday the 10th of May on Mother's Day. It was also "open-werf" day in Belgium so we visited two ongoing building projects in Kortrijk. The first one above is a vioew of the new, huge mall they are building in Kortrijk called "K". It will be weird to have this mall take over our quaint city but I'm sure we'll all shop there and our daughters will probably work and hang out there one day! It's a big, messy werf right now for sure and it causes major traffic issues too. I guess that's "progress" for you... or not....

Above you can see me in De Kreun - where the new music center will be in Kortrijk - Kortrijk's very own concert location. Now that's something I look forward to seeing built. The more good concerts and concert places, the better!!! I think our daughters will also hang out there a lot when they are older. I hope so!

That's me above yesterday at the end of Mother's Day. Though I was really happy with my daughter's attention and everything and the nice walk I had with my husband and all that - yesterday was just a bad-head day for me. I don't even know why but I felt really low. It's so up and down it's a bit maddening really. I guess it is par for the course. It's hard to feel good when you have worked as long as you can remember and then all of a sudden you are out of a job and in the difficult re-defining yourself moment. Yesterday all I knew is that I didn't want to be just a mother. I wanted so much more.... I feel like that is all I am right now. Without work - the thing that has always made me felt the best about myself, I am left with the second thing - being a mom. But that is not enough for me. At least I am sure of that.

Speaking of Mothers and Mother's Day, the below Post Secret is my pick of the week because having a 10 year old!!!! now gives me glimpses of this little person who seems grown up sometimes but is really still just this little person with a lot of growing up to do. Whilst she likes getting older I see that she struggles with the idea as well because she knows that at some age you start being teenager-like and rebellious and have more responsibilities and all. I think she truly will miss my driving her to school when we tell her it's time for her to ride her bike... I will miss those morning rides too - looking at that little bunny in my rearview mirror...

Heidi says: That was a nice mothers' day!

Saturday 09 May 2009: Heidi goes blond and becomes a Quaker at Ayla's 10th birthday party with make-your-own tacos and sundaes!

Sarah says:

Heidi has gone blond folks. I begged her not to but it's part of her hair studies! What do you think?

Heidi's started praying folks. It's part of her soul-searching. She thinks she was a Quaker in a past life. She's also converted Nico and Yma as you can see below!
Heidi, Nico and Yma call themselves Quaker-pirates. They are looking for members if anyone is interested...

As you can see by comparing the above photo to the below one - there is a very fine line between Quaker and Pirate! If the Garrein-Haemers family is up for it, they are welcome to join me in my Pirate adventures!

Yma, as you will notice below, is not amused!

Mmmmmm - make-your-own-taco party for Ayla's 10th birthday!
Mmmmmm - make-your-own-sundae party for Ayla's 10th birthday!

Above you can see from left clockwise - Wim, Tom, Filip, Vanessa, Heidi, Yma and Nico at Ayla's 10th birthday party! Where are all the kids? Looks like an adult party to me!!

There are the party kids enjoying their ice cream! And a good day was had by all though we all stuffed ourselves silly....

Thursay and Friday 07 and 08 May 2009: Heidi is black and Sarah is white...

Sarah says:
Isn't Heidi so very BRIGHT today?! She's all in black and it suits her. No use in my being in the photo. I look a mess today! Not bright at all. Didn't sleep AGAIN last night!!!!!

Above is my photo from Thursday the 7th of May - last night. It was time to do a mask to relax and to look brighter. Well - I slept as poorly as ever and I surely don't look brighter from the mask... Oh well, one can only try!

The nice thing is I have a half-day today and Ayla's birthday party to prepare for Saturday. It will be make-your-own tacos and ice-cream sundaes! Should be fun! The weekend came so fast again. Time is very strange lately! I hardly know what day it is...