Tuesday 03 February 2009: Is that a real smile on Sarah's face or a fake one? Can you tell?

Sarah says:
Can you see into my soul on here and tell how I am really feeling? Is that a real smile above or a fake one? What facinates me about life over the last several months is that deep down I can feel really awful and sad and yet not feel that way at all on the surface - and that goes for the other way around too. I can feel pretty great and unphased at the core yet bothered, stressed and annoyed at the surface. From my dad to work to home - there are so many things I can't or chose not to write about on here so how can anyone who "knows" me really know how I am feeling. Half the time I don't even know. I think my main feeling of the last several months below and above the surface is a strange sort of lonliness - the sort that comes from the whole "we are born alone and we die alone" idea. It's pretty existential lonliness I must admit (although "ass mit" sure had a pleasant ring to it!:-) - for which there's no cure. As I have sad before on here - generally for me it's disappointment and any sort of abandonment (real or imagined) that triggers this feeling in me. And the confusing thing for me is what I mentioned above - that though the feeling is quite a constant and not a really nice feeling to have tugging at my being - I still can feel really light and really joyful at the same time. So the smile above is both fake and real. Fake - because I am feeling very challenged and troubled and sad and torn and let down right now and Real because I am feeling hopeful and happy and excited and encouraged... Things sure can get confusing in this Gemini-head of mine!