Sarah says:Hello and sorry for that view! I hate photos like that but it's the only one we had! I look tired and worn out. Sometimes I think I'll never look or feel awake again...
Later that day:
Today is the 20th of October which gets me thinking about my friend Peter who passed away from cancer a little more than a year ago. On this day last year, my husband and I went to visit Peter in the hospital. On that day it was quite clear to us that he wouldn't live much longer. We sort of knew this could be the last time we saw him. It wasn't though. We also saw him the 1st of November but he wasn't all there with us. He was suffering so much and not very coherent other than for a few moments here and there. That night he went into the hospital and about 19 days later his breathing was stopped. On the 20th of October we had a good talk with Peter. He was at the hospital undergoing chemo and he was busy filling in books for his kids - describing how he felt about them and letting them know a little more about himself. This was part of saying goodbye to his kids. That must have been the hardest part of his whole illness. Saying goodbye to his family and having his family have to say goodbye to him. I assume - but have no idea - that once you know you are going to die that you slowly start to let go of life and the people who are in it. It must be so difficult though to struggle with the idea that people will miss you - people you love so much and who are so dear to you and more so - who you are so dear to. You must just know that they will survive you and struggle with your being gone. You are gone so you have no notion once that happens - but thinking about all that must be really, really tough.
Anyway - that day I gave Peter a card telling him how I felt about him. I had so much more to say but it didn't fit in the card and also it didn't feel right pouring all my struggles with his death onto him. He had enough to deal with and at that point I can only guess that you really have to narrow down your goodbyes and feelings for those who truly mean the world to you - like your kids and partner and siblings and parents if they outlive you. Peter sent me a text message that night that I still have not been able to delete from my phone. It's his last written words to me. Short but sweet - typical Peter. I just can't erase those words yet. I have no idea when I will be able to. I'll be visiting Peter's grave for the first time since his funeral soon. I'm glad. I really miss him and just want to be there close to where his ashes were buried and speak to him in my head and have a quiet moment with only Peter in my thoughts. It makes me so sad to even think about it though. It feels so raw sometimes - while at other times it just feels like life and death and feels rational.
I'm glad I can check back to last year on this day and see what I was thinking via this link. And that I can also look back at other years when Peter was alive still and we were singing together and playing in a band and having fun or spending time with our kids and partners together. A year ago today after seeing Peter I also posted something my sister-in-law had put on her own blog about cancer. Via the above link you can find that. It gives us all something to think about for sure.
In looking back at last year's post on the 20th, I see that I also wished another friend of mine of 10 years a happy birthday. She hasn't died like Peter but it sure feels like she is gone and our friendship is sadly dead for certain as she ended it for reasons still unclear to me and I still really struggle with it because it is unfinished business that makes no sense to me. I wish she could have at least given me a reason other than that I hurt her. I have no idea at all what I did to hurt her. After 10 years of friendship you'd think an explanation is the least one deserves - especially because there were no fights or anything like that. It's so weird. I think I'll never understand it. I guess one day it just won't hurt anymore. It's a reflex to want to wish her a happy birthday today like I have for the last 10 years and stop by her shop and give her some love - but the love is gone and my heart hurts just thinking about her - still.... When does that ache stop? I haven't written about this topic on here until now because it just didn't come out of me without anger so I didn't let it come out. Now it's not anger, it's just sadness...
3 comments:
Now the time might be right to make contact again. Why not send a birthday card. Life is too short to let friendships wither. Express your sadness. Who knows what might happen.
I wish! I have tried and tried but how many times can you hit the same wall. I hate unfinished business and sadness that knows no end. I have reached out and the door has been clearly shut. At some point you just have to try to let go. I am trying my best to respect her feelings and stay out of her life. I'm at a loss here and am mourning the loss of this friendship. Luckily, life goes on...
I broke up with Rey three plus years ago, and it was the best thing I've ever done!
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