Sarah says:
Obviously Peter's death yesterday due to a hard battle with cancer is about the only thing on my mind today. My aunt who lost her son to cancer when he was just a bit older than Peter said that after his death she walked around for about a week with dry tears. They only poured out later. There is a sort of numbness that goes with hearing about the death of someone who means a lot to you. Maybe that's the first stage of grief - something like quiet protest or denial - just not believing it's true or something. Last night when the news came I felt frozen at first. Then I fell apart for a moment. Then I quickly felt very angry. Then I calmed down. Today I am back to feeling slightly numb and business-like. Very rational with only brief moments of very deep sadness and despair. Music triggers it. If I avoid music, I can hold it all in.
Maybe grief isn't a process like I imagined it before. It seems to me that you can go through all the stages of grief within five minutes time, like I sort of did last night and then start all over again. We have no choice but to accept this death. What else can we do? But we also have to rage against it and be sad. There's no way around that and nor should there be.
The photo of Peter above is one of my favorites. It was taken at our Greyn photo session in 2005 by Patrice Deweer. It captures Peter. That was a cold day! We kept ourselves warm with way too many chocolate chip cookies and too much coffee. Despite the cold and the waiting and waiting for the good photo opportunities, that day was fun. There were only two shots of Peter taken alone that day, and this is one of them. Now it makes me sad to see it. It's very moving to look at a still shot of someone who isn't here anymore. It makes me think about his spirit. It makes me wonder when he let go.
This song by Antony and The Johnsons called Hope There's Someone has been moving me through this process of grief. The lyrics are so sad. They have made me think of what Peter was going through towards the end. I have no idea if this is how it is and if this is what someone dying thinks about. But it has sure made me think about the process of dying and about Peter's last weeks.
See - I am being so rational right now. It does feel like dry tears. I am glad music like this song can make tears flow and break people down. It's very necessary to break down or it all bottles up.
Antony and the Johnsons - Hope There's Someone
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head
So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
Sarah adds:
There's me and Heidi today. We may look colorful but inside I'm feeling very dark and reflective.
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