Thursday 08 January 2007: It's snowing in Belgium and Sarah and Heidi are stuck inside all day!!!!!

Sarah says:

First let me report on Heidi. She sent me an sms because her computer is down and she can't upload. She said I could put her text message as her comment. Problem is, I now realize I erased her message! Sorry Heidi. Suffice it to say, Heidi is not doing very well today and had a horrid late afternoon yesterday and some difficult days coming up. She is trying to gradually stop breastfeeding Yma and it's really, really hard she says. She was advised to stop giving Yma fruit pap for a while and at a set time everyday to only give her a bottle. That time is around 5pm and last night it was just awful, Heidi said. Yma doesn't want to take the bottle at all and she screamed and cried for two hours straight. That caused Heidi to cry too. It's really hard on her. Sad. Very emotional. Hard to see Yma in this crying state and not to give her breast milk at these moments to ease the crying. Hard to give up breastfeeding. So she's struggling like many women do at this stage. It's a difficult period to go through until the baby takes to the bottled milk. The whole relationship changes too. It's a big transition. Good luck Heidi! You'll get through all this and feel on top of things soon!

I remember having to stop breastfeeding when Ayla was in the hospital for like the 4th time not doing well at all. I was pumping my milk as usual and as usual there was hardly any milk and all of a sudden there was blood coming out. There was no way I could continue doing this. I stopped right there and then. Luckily for me Ayla had been alternating from breast to bottle since day one because she was born 6 and a half weeks too early and stayed at the hospital the first month of her life. So I pumped and brought the milk in and when there I tried to breastfeed her which sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. Anyway, it was a battle. It was emotional. It was actually really awful and stressful and I felt so terribly alone through all of it and I felt like a failure because I couldn't give Ayla what she needed and because she cried from hunger and pain it seemed all the time. We had to go to the doctor so much. It was so distressing. For about 9 months straight we had all sorts of struggles and problems and a baby that cried all the time. It was so exhausting and hard and lonely. None of that will help Heidi in any way because we all have to go through what we go through and it is individual and nobody's advice or kind words or help or understanding really helps. With that said, the wisdom that I think comes with having a child and that sort of responsibility - at least for me - is that you can get through anything and everything - all in its time...

Now - to change the subject... We woke up to snow though by now it has stopped! Very beautiful indeed. Too bad it never piles up or stays very long here. I miss those huge New York snow days! As a kid that was so fun - sledding down big hills and all. Getting so cold outside and then so warm inside. I'll never forget the day when I was about 15 I guess in the early days of my friendship with Face The Day google hit Erika Dioniso when she and I walked to a huge snowed on field at Nyack College. Using our feet with snow boots on we carved a huge message for a guy she or I had a crush on (can't remember anymore) in the snow there. Then we were so cold and needed to get in to town to hang out further because what else do you do on such a day other than search for friends and adventures. So we walked down the really snowy hill below Nyack Intermediate School (not sure that school is even still there). At the bottom of it at the lights a little truck passed by and these two guys were driving it. We stopped them or they stopped when they saw us (can't remember) and we hopped in the back of these strangers' truck. We were surrounded by snow and wood pieces. I think we grabbed some pieces of wood to keep as a memory. Anyway, they dropped us off in town and we probably hit the local pizza place at that point and met up with friends. I can't remember further than that so it probably means there was alcohol (40s of OE) and pot involved later at Memorial Park. Who knows? That was such a cozy day. That I know for sure! We were such street rats back then! I wish I could have such a day right now rather than being locked in my house and all adult.

Today to keep busy I will sort through all of my jewelry. I think I'll do what my paternal grandma used to do. I have some jewelery from her with little notes she wrote about the pieces included. She updated the notes every few years saying the jewelry was for me and signing her name and the date. There's this one really pretty piece that I don't think I'll wear that I'll save for my daughter. On the little paper with it, my grandma wrote that my dad had given her the piece in his freshman year of Harvard and that whenever she wore it people asked her about it. She also wrote on the paper every few years that it was for me when she died. Well, now I'll write to my daughter that it is for her when I die (please note "I" was "she" before but a FTD viewer pointed out my bad mistake and I stand corrected and even slightly ashamed!). It's blue and it's old and it's sort of borrowed so who knows, maybe my daughter can even wear it at her wedding before I am even dead!

Oh my, I feel like I might vomit. I took a liquid vitamin and I really feel like I am about to throw-up. This doesn't feel right. You'll have to excuse me well I run to the bathroom...