Tuesday 14 November 2006: Heidi feels good and Sarah has had a right awful freaking mofo dang dumb annoying day!

Heidi says: I do I do! I slept a lot and therefor I am awake and alive and DANCING! I danced to the Gossip today and it felt great. Since I am a lot heavier than I used to be, I cannot dance very long because my knees start to hurt quite fast, but at least I can be wild again! And it will only get better!

Little smiley girl
Sarah says:
Big fat not smiley girl! I had a hell of a day and I am tired and annoyed and on the rag big time and feel fat and am in pain and I want to crawl under a rock and find myself a cane because it hurts my feet and back to walk right now. So blah blah blah and sorry to be so negative but I feel like a big piece of poo today! I hope tomorrow is better. Right now sucks! In one freaking month from now exactly I will be going under the knife. I am scared and feel sick about it and I hate my back. I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it!!! I hate how it has changed my life and I don't want this operation for this prosthetic disc! I don't want this in my life! I am so tired and fed up from it and about it and I feel like I am about to break. Last night I couldn't even bend into the shopping cart to get the groceries out onto the check out counter without being in agony and breaking a fever and sweat from it! And I looked up ready to cry and there's this long line of people and the check-out clerk isn't helping pack my food in my bags and there's no room for the groceries anymore as they are piling up and I se a good friend of mine at the end of the line looking at me worried because I am almost in tears -- like I had been caught -- she came up to me and told me to stop -- not to lift anything. She took my cart and brought it to my car and packed in all the bags and boxes and then she climbed in my car with me and went to my house and carried all by bags and boxes up to my kitchen and I drove her home. Hers was a caring, loving, friendly and at the moment heroic good deed of an act. She happened to be there when I was really about to crack. She knew I'd get through it and fight the pain and put on a good face and go home and struggle to carry everything up to my kitchen myself and break myself more because I am stubborn and I don't want to give in to this all!! And she stopped me in my tracks and made me really stop and took over and helped me. I love her and thank her for that. I have trouble accepting help but I guess I do need it. I hate admitting that. I feel awful today because of all this and these thoughts and because I exposed my real self last night in utter pain unable to do it myself. I should feel strong but I feel weak and terrible. I am in agony right now. My head is a mess. Thankfully I have family and friends and the great escape of work. I am going to collapse tonight. I have to. I am so very worn out. Can you hear the damn loud violins?