Sarah says:If weather could express a mood - the weather today in Belgium would certainly capture the one I'm in. I am full of rain, thunder and lightening!
Last night I actually uttered the words "I want to move back to America" to my husband at around midnight in our bed. I don't really want to move back to America and I won't anytime soon as life here in Belgium is good and I love my family here, my home and my job. I wouldn't rock those boats anytime soon. I have nothing at all to complain about on any of those levels. In fact, I always feel lucky in those areas and blessed. I have a great husband and daughter and in-laws. I have a home I love to be at and feel like home at. My job is wonderful. No complaints at all. And my job and life offers up Heidi and she's a fantastic friend and colleague and a great support in every level of my life - a real ear and mouth. No problems there at all!
It's just this head of mine and these demons and this need for real connection. I feel lonely here. I truly do. And maybe it's not even that I feel lonely. Maybe it's just the simple fact that I truly miss people from The US sometimes. I miss my friends and family. America is big so it's not like if I lived there I'd see everyone all the time. It would be real life. People would be busy with their own lives. Time would be an issue. Long-distance friendships and contacts that exist now and work rather well could be challenged by more consistent contact! Who knows! I just wish that I could pop over to a good friend's house sometimes and just hang around eating snacks and reading magazines and watching bad TV. Or call a good friend to go see a movie. Or go hang out with one of my many brothers and just be at ease in the familiar. I wish I could meet my dad for lunch. I wish I could have my mom make me a good vegetarian meal or give me a foot massage or babysit my daughter... I wish I could go play air-hockey with MS. I wish I could sleep-over at RA's house and stay up all night talking. I wish I could spend days with ED just eating triscuts and looking at photos and making bad jokes. There are so many things I wish life still allowed. I just feel sometimes in Belgium that there is nobody I can call if I am having a hard time and need to talk or if I just need a little escape or if I simply want to share a good evening with somebody. And it's not always. Not at all. I have written about this all before here, probably several times. This loneliness and dip-feeling just creeps up on me from time to time and I feel like a stranger in a strange land. A constant misfit. It passes fast luckily. But it sends me on this philosophical roller coaster for a few days or hours. It pushes me into difficult reflection. It churns up just about every working organ inside of me. I can't sleep because of it. My brain is ON and messy.
I kind of know what is triggering it now next to the fact that my period is due today so there's the whole hormonal thing- but I know the root. I have recently lost someone who was once a good friend here in Belgium. She's not dead or anything thankfully - but our friendship is and she pulled the plug on it. I am sort of mourning the loss of her and really struggling with it still. Things like that tend to trigger these sorts of dips. I know friendships change, people change, life changes and all that. Fully aware. I can let go and move on. I know life offers up new people all the time and some become real connections and all that. I find that exciting. Just knowing there are people out there I have yet to meet who will be important to me and me to them. I love making new friends. Losing old ones is a painful struggle but a part of life I have come to accept.
Another trigger - and maybe a positive one in the end I'm guessing, is that I am feeling the need to write more again - to be more creative. I look forward to where that longing might lead me. I think I am experiencing some of the nostalgia that Heidi does sometimes. I'm looking back at my old self and missing some of it. I gave up a HUGE chunk of myself when I moved here, including writing basically. It's still in me and I have to find it again. That's a small goal I am setting for myself now. I'll start by writing in a journal again and I'm really going to try to write some hand-written letters to a few friends. I need to get some structure back into my writing. I want to anyway. Who knows where it will lead. I need a hobby again. Family, home, job isn't enough I'm afraid to say - I don't want to sound greedy - I can't say enough how lucky and blessed I mostly feel. But right now I have some gaps to fill in myself - and one is the hobby gap for sure. If I can't be in a band, which I miss terribly and long for as well, then writing is the obvious choice now. I can do it wherever I am. I don't have to depend on anyone for it. It's where I am headed and that idea alone really cheers me up!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY YOUNGEST BROTHER MATT!!!!!
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