Saturday 08 March 2008: Sarah has a house full of kids!

Heidi says:
Nice cosy party at Barbara's this evening. Now tired and have a huge belly ache. Sleep! That's what I need. And I want to be left alone. I don't want anyone to ask anything from me. I have had it with being told what to do at this moment. Bad mood.


Sarah says:
See the smallest kid in the above photo? Well, in case you are wondering - that's not really a girl! It's a little boy dressed up as a girl by my kid and his sisters. That's what's happening in my world today. I am happily surrounded by kids doing shows and funny things for their and my entertainment. I could never have 4 kids of my own, let alone two or three even, but I sure am enjoying having these lovely little people here for the weekend. I love it how you can just automatically truly love the kids of the friends and of the people you love. It just happens so naturally. It must be thanks to evolution or something - a natural way to make a safety net around family units - of extended friends and family - I guess it's as close to a tribe as we get in this lifetime - extensive bonds that promote protective feelings and caring among the various people you feel for and are deeply connected to...

Anyway - these aren't just any kids! That's for sure. These are Peter's kids - and Valerie's of course! I haven't written about Peter a lot here since the weeks after he passed away in November. I think about him constantly still. Music gets him on my mind in flashes. It just takes an Editors song on the radio to bring Peter immediately into my head. If I am in my car, all these thoughts of him just rush through me. I sort of talk to him -- the air -- out loud. I either hold the tears back or let them flow. It happens in such waves. I can pass an old house of his and 5 seconds later start weeping without even realizing why right away. I can also feel really happy and content when he comes to mind.

I struggle most with the memories of the last times I saw him - that I didn't really get a chance to say what was on my mind and to really hug him and look him in the eye. The moment didn't allow that. I think of all the moments didn't - there were like 5 solid ones between when he was diagnosed with cancer and when he died - that I spent real time with him. Each one he was getting weaker and weaker and worse and worse. I guess I already knew he was going to die the first day I spent with him after the diagnosis came. And we talked about it but only ever so briefly. I just go over these moments in my head sometimes. Those thoughts are the ones that come back all the time. And thoughts of our old rehearsals and conversations we had. He is so often on my mind. And sometimes I still can't come to terms with the fact that he died so fast. And sometimes I can.

Spending time with his kids is really part of the wonderful moments now - not the painful ones. I just love these kids. I always have - no doubt about that. I guess now I also see Peter in them - more than I noticed before - and those are like the only glimpses I'll ever have of Peter again so I hold on to those moments dearly. The same look in the eye. The body language. The way of speaking sometimes. Some feature in the right light. In some ways it doesn't sound nice - sort of putting all that pressure on his kids to see parts of him come through them. It makes me feel weird to even say that. But what can you do? It's just like that. They are a part his flesh and blood and they are what is left of him other than pictures, videos, music and memories.

My home feels very alive with all these happy kids running around. I even enjoyed peeling 30 potatoes and carrots today to make them all lunch.
Now it's time to get them to go to sleep. There's nothing more beautiful than all these kids fast asleep and at ease and rest.