Friday, December 28, 2007

Friday 28 December 2007: Sarah could care less about New Year's and Christmas but will drink and cheer to you all anyway!!!!

Sarah says:
This has been a good holiday season so far - in some ways anyway. We had a no present policy this year and that felt wonderful to me. I haven't consumed at all. I will when I shop for clothes at the upcoming sales so it's not like I'm trying to be holier than thou or anything like that. I just feel like I don't need anything at all right now. For the moment, knock on wood and prosthetics, I have my health and I am not in pain anymore - to me that is a wonder everyday! When you have lived with daily, hourly pain for year after year, everyday without it feels like a gift and puts me in high spirits. Every ache that pops up, on the other hand, feels like an immediate set-back. Well, that's not entirely true. I have these mega hammer-toes right now that ache terribly for some reason. They are making it hard for me to walk. I have had strange foot ailments ever since my back operation - so I'm wondering if there is some relation... I don't know. I'll ask the doctor tomorrow when I see him. But that hasn't got me worried. I have the feeling right now that I am strong and able. Maybe I am imagining it but this is me without pain. I feel awake mostly and ready. Ready for what, I have no idea - but ready nonetheless. Maybe for a good 2008, though I don't really get into the whole New Year, New Start thing. This year, due to circumstances, I do feel really excited about 2008 and what it will bring. And as I can't say enough, I just feel so lucky to feel this strong right now and that makes the New Year welcome!

So I will pretend to drink and to toast to 2008 and to all of you! And to poor Heidi who really feels miserable!

2007 has been a hard year. The worst part about it was losing Peter of course. From July until now, my thoughts have been busy with Peter everyday. Where as before it was worry and sadness, now it's acceptance and memories I guess - though the sadness still comes so often in waves - with sudden unexpected reminders. Just have to feel it and let it run through me.

2007 meant the end of one job and the beginning of another. The road from then to now wasn't always smooth but now it looks bright and exciting! A lot of the negativity of a former situation has washed away to be replaced with a lot of goodness and joy and motivation from a new situation. 2008 will be a pivotal year for me and Heidi.

2007 meant a great year for my daughter and my little family. She's been thriving this year non-stop. It's such a wonderful feeling to see your kid so at ease and happy and growing so well and becoming this joyful, smart little being. Marv and I can only be proud and shine because of that little Lool!

2007 meant a huge scare when it came to my back after I picked up an old woman who fell in Gent . My back pain returned like a smack in the head. Despair returned so much that I hardly wanted to admit it had happened and stopped talking about the pain I had again almost as soon as I felt something click as I picked her up. It was back to physical-therapy for 3 months, two times a week. It was back to pain showing through my eyes and bad sleeps. It was like a recurring nightmare. But then, three months or so after, the pain just disappeared and I have felt great ever since! I learned I have to be very careful but I also learned that my back will ache sometimes and it won't mean the end of the world. I lived with pain for years and years. If every now and then I have a back ache, I can live with that too without panic.

Life is too short to panic and get negative and worry. Easier said than not done - but if there's anything I want to do in 2008, it's to worry less, take more things in stride, and get joy from little things as musc as possible. I want to spend time doing things that matter to me. I want to consume less overall. I want to beat myself up less for things I can't control. For the things I can control, I want to step up to bat and just do it and take chances and risks - calculated risks.

Here is one of my favorite jokes about worry showing how we mostly do it for nothing:
"Jewish telegram reads: Start worrying!!!! More news will follow!"

There are still a few days until New Year's so you may not have heard the last of all this blah, blah, blah. No matter how hard we try to avoid these New Year's reflections, they get us every time. That's life I guess.

I drink to you all and wish you all a nice pre-New Year weekend! I hope each of you does something really meaningful this weekend that makes you feel something deeply and truly! That's my goal!

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