Sarah says:
I kind of like that above photo. It's perty! A different view for once. I think I am avoiding some emotions and misplacing them into other emotions and confusing feelings about some things and thinking that's why I feel ceratin ways about other things so I don't really know how I feel about anything other than I have felt pretty dark for a while other than some moments of good cheer - there were a few days and plenty of moments of good cheer - yet still - I'm all over the place with my head and heart right now and it feels strange and not like the best way to start the year. Hence my profile above. I don't want to look you in the eye today! Tomorrow is a new day and today wasn't even a bad one. I'm feeling bad though - thinking about my dad. Knowing my mom will leave soon. Seeing close friends going through a very hard time. I just feel so very off. As I said - it makes me feel the futility of being alive and living. I know that is a bunch of bull. I'm all mixed up. I clearly know one thing - I hate goodbyes and really suffer from them. Most sorts - from my own to other people's. I hate when people are rotten to each other and leave. I hate when people are sick and leave. I hate when people visit and leave (not always of course). I get a little knocked off my feet and lose grounding when any sort of deep goodbye is happening or could happen... I need to go to sleep. I sound a bit nuts perhaps. Well - Monday starts a new year for real! I will try to embrace the good stuff again more then but I guess I will wallow a little longer in this dark shit... If only I could just easily let go of this dark side of my dumb self...
Well - that picture right there above - that alone is one of those rushes of joy I was talking about. Look at her! She took this photo of herself. It's so freaking cute. She's truly smiling at a plastic wind up smiling thing. It's just so lovely. THAT CHILD IS SUNSHINE! SHE makes me so happy and gives my life so much meaning. She teaches me to smile more. I am so thankful for that. She is THE LIGHT in this life of mine. With that smile and good cheer she manages to lift my dark cloud away -- at least for some lovely moments...
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