Thursday, June 08, 2006

Thursday 08 June 2006: Heidi Goes Green with envy for Sarah's new lip-job...

Heidi says:
Absolutely nothing! Too busy. She send you all her love and misses you!

Sarah says:
You like my new look?
So last night, Greyn's rehearsal was just okay. It's hardly great anymore. I don't know why. Making songs is strange. You get busy with it, jam, end and look around wondering what people think in the group. It's like everyone is timid about giving an opinion and then like everyone's opinion depends on what the other one says. Very hard to explain but it rarely feels right. And I always -- well mostly, feel at odds with everyone else. It's only slightly but enough to make things not very enjoyable always. I remember a time when a rehearsal would give me such a kick! It was so fun-- used to be so fun -- like a drug to me - a rush - a fix. Now I'm just sort of bored with rehearsals -- a lot of the time anyway. I also sometimes can't stand the group dynamics and all those men. It so often reminds me of being around my brothers. I just feel powerless a lot -- like I have to give in. It may very well be a false feeling but I do feel like I am fighting for my rights a lot of the time-- fighting for my feelings about songs. And then there is the taste issue. Bands are hard!!! I guess I so much prefer being on stage to making songs. When a song is made and I love it, I love that too of course-- and the moment you are on to something really good-- I love that. But I feel like the other band memebers get a lot of those moments musically and I don't get many of them vocally anymore.
Anyway -- that's how it goes. It can't all be good. It just sucks because it used to be a big fun kick for me and now it sort of bores me. I miss the fun! I miss the thrill. I miss being silly. I miss having a voice sometimes. I feel muted a lot in that environment at rehearsals Wedneday nights and Lord knows I do not like feeling muted! With that said, I do like the songs we have completed -- a few of them anyway -- and I can't wait to see what we come up with next -- so like all things, I have loads of double-feelings! Maybe it is just me. I hardly even feel like me anymore. I have a lot of pain during rehearsals -- pain in my back and maybe that makes me more sensitive. I don't know. I don't know what changed. I just long for those great feelings again. This feels like business half the time. Like negotiation. I just want to sing.

No comments: